This is something that needs to be talked about way more! I no longer consider myself a lesbian (trans man), but in American schools good luck learning anything about dental dams and women’s condoms. Never mind all of the possibilities beyond penile-vaginal intercourse. I go to a very queer friendly clinic, so fortunately they’re well versed in how to provide appropriate healthcare to all - but I wouldn’t call that the norm.
Another layer to this challenge in lesbian healthcare and the nonchalance about sexual health is the exclusion of transgender women (and intersex women, but I don’t know enough to speak on that and only want to touch on this lightly myself as a trans man). Whether people don’t consider them to be “true” lesbians or forget about them entirely is another layer in and of itself.
Women can also have penises and/or testes. They might be able to impregnate their partner. They may need to use “standard” condoms. Cis experiences are valued and irreplaceable, but in this day and age the political climate is saying anti-trans is the “necessary” thing to be, so it feels more important than ever to not forget these lesbians and how it might influence WLW culture.
I don’t mean this to undermine your experiences or the popular response healthcare workers may have toward lesbians so I really do hope it doesn’t come off that way! This feels like an important bridge to connect and if any trans women want to share their experiences, then they don’t have to break the ice.
Too right, Evan! It’s incredibly problematic for women’s health issues to be dismissed, no matter what they are. I hope we do start shedding more light on this topic because it needs more awareness for sure. Thanks for reading! :)
I have to be honest and say I never thought about any of this before when it comes to the sexual health of lesbians. This was a really interesting essay.
• I encountered the term "pelvic exam" on the standard government form my doctor filled out when I was getting pre-screened for entering the Navy. The checkbox had "FEMALE ONLY" next to it. Okay, women have different pelvic bones than men do, probably need to be checked occasionally, understandable. (I was 18 and this was pre-Internet. Hush!) About a decade later, my buddy Linda, the first woman with whom I could talk about anything, complained about her annual gyno exam. Oh, says I, what's the problem? She gave me a look, and said the pelvic exam was awful and it went downhill from there. Really?, I say, but that's just feeling your bones, right? Linda then explained how many things are felt during a pelvic exam, but bones are not among them! (This is why I think elementary school sex ed should include much more practical information about women and what they go through. Just sayin'.)
• When I was hanging with my lesbian crew (my first wife, Linda — yes, same Linda — let me stay in her guest room for a few weeks until I found a job after leaving the Navy and our marriage; "a few weeks" ended up being nine months, so all my gang at that time were lesbian friends) someone decided it would be a great night to get drunk and watch lesbian porn. This was 1990, still pre-Internet, and X-rated cable TV options were awful. The various girl-on-girl scenes would run maybe 1–3 minutes before one of the women would declare, "A guy filmed this!" I would then get a running commentary on why this was NOT how real lesbians had sex. Alas, I did NOT take notes at the time.
Hahaha Jack, bless your little 18-year old heart! If only it were a quick ‘feeling of the bones’ 😩 it may as well be, except it feels like they’re feeling them from the inside! Oh it’s so unpleasant, my god. I know it’s life-saving in many cases, but yeesh, it’s not fun. And yes, you’re quite right about sex ed in schools being shoddy. I don’t think I learned about what goes on at the gynae until I went through it myself. And bear in mind that I went to all-girls schools until I was 16!
Hahaha I can just picture the scene! (of you guys critiquing, not the porn. Well, I’m pretty confident I can picture the porn too.) A lot of it is painfully cringe. I find it unbearable. What’s funny is that there are two kinds nowadays—the stuff made for men by men and the stuff made for women by women. They’re like 2 separate categories now.
Wait wait wait! They don't tell girls what they go through at their gynecological exam?! So some poor girl who never got taught, she knows as much about a pelvic exam as I did at her age, her first clue is when she has to strip down to her socks and put on some gawdawful paper smock? And then gets introduced to the stirrups? THATS... THERE ARE PLENTY OF FEMALE GYNECOLOGISTS OUT THERE, HOW ARE THEY LETTING THIS MISOGYNIST HORROR GO ON?! 🤬
Oh thank god there are articles on WebMD and Planned Parenthood and other sites out there to explain things now. (I had to check.) And YouTube videos, OF COURSE there are YouTube videos. By female gynecologists. Okay <deep breath> I'm okay now.
Oh, I’ve been there. My gyno hit me with “Oh, well [insert famous lesbian] is single” like I had personally requested a matchmaking service instead of a pap smear. Ma’am, be serious
Did said gyno know this celebrity? Haha I wonder if she knows that doctors are putting in a good word for her while quite literally rummaging about in people’s “business” 😭😭
There are so many ways to interpret this! I’m assuming they wanted to cover their arses in case they ended up with some sort of lawsuit somehow? Even so… 😅
I’m in a super conservative state raised my a super religious mother.
My mother believes a woman to lose her virginity if something is inserted. Meaning I wasn’t allowed tampons for summer camp…
My feminine gyno was just as bad as male gynos. Trying to discuss with her the possible STDs past between women to women when I had my first women partner. Totally freeze up and told me it wasn’t possible because no fluids touched.
Though it’s was all really rough, it’s unfolded in wisdom I can now share. Though I wish there were big neon signs that pointed to all the queer gynos & doctors. (Thank god for Everywhere is Queer making it easier to find the right people)
Married 23 years to my wife ( post 9/11 we got a civil union and later did the legal marriage thing in NY State where we live). Wife kicks me out. Statistically homeless for 41/2 months. One week after I finally find subsidized housing I am served with papers for a divorce ( apparently my new Electric bill gave them an address)..
Lawyer she got is tops in probono. However, even in NY the "fill in the blank" papers haven't been updated (after how many years?) still reflecting hetero marriage. When I consult my joke of a pro bono I find she is ableist, heterosexist, and not supportive of elders at all. End of THAT chapter as I find I do not have to respond,and terminated with that clown. There's nothing I have ..she can keep the only thing we have in common - our cemetery plots that I paid for.
With the notary watching me, I change every HE to a SHE in 30+ pages and attach a note stating if I signed this it would not be legal because I AM NOT MALE and besides $&6';_ you spelled my name wrong!
Have now received and accepted "fixed documents" and am awaiting decision.
BTW, one of her arguments is that we hadn't been intimate because of my mental health. She forgets how bad her menopause was. I don't
Crikey, you’ve been through it Andrea! What a fandango. The unprofessionalism is horrific—30 pages and a typo of your name?! What kind of Mickey Mouse operation 😟
I really hope things get better for you 🌷 thanks for sharing
"...my local GUM clinic now has me on record as a sexually fluid swinger with a penchant for narcotics and a sexual appetite to rival Julio Iglesias." Absolutely brilliant!! 🤣
Ufff Deb, dare I say he isn’t the most ignorant by a mile! Living in a Catholic country and being femme to the point of being totally straight-passing means I have to come out a loooottt in this lifetime 😅 still, it could absolutely be worse!
And you’re absolutely right—awesome it is ☺️ thanks for reading!
Such a great essay, Natalie-and I love your sense of humor. I'm part of a documentary about queer people with mental health challenges, and when the director asked me if I've experienced discrimination with providers, this is exactly the conversation I talked about. The invisibility, given the amount of progress we supposedly made, is staggering. Many thanks for bringing this issue to the fore.
I actually don’t live in the U.S., this happened in Spain. But I appreciate it, thank you. I imagine it could be a lot worse in certain states over there 😓
This is so real and it's so frustrating. I've also gotten the eye rolls when requesting STI screening, and I've been forced to get a pregnancy test even after explaining the only person I was having sex with had no penis. The only time I've gotten decent answers on sexual health risks was when I finally got to see a trans masc OBGYN. Also, I'm just here to serve as a cautionary tale: I am a trans guy who caught an STD from another trans guy by topping using a strap-on, no direct genital contact at all. (Thankfully it cleared up with a round of antibiotics.) Wash your hands and use gloves, y'all!!
Yes, we need to have more discussions about this because a lot of people don’t realise that you can catch STIs from toys! There’s so much misinformation flying about. Thanks so much for sharing, Ori, I’m sure people can really benefit from this cautionary tale 🌞
I really enjoyed reading this piece, you managed to strike the balance beautifully between humour and education and I feel enlightened on all fronts, thank you!
My GP put me down as Asexual in my notes even though I told him I was lesbian.
I later found out when my notes were left on the screen and the nurse left the room for a moment.
Outrageous.
Excuse me?! What on earth was he playing at! Not only is it unprofessional, but it’s just plain weird. And inaccurate, at that!
Yup. Exactly that. I have requested my file so I can correct mistakes. I have a feeling there will be a lot of them.
This is something that needs to be talked about way more! I no longer consider myself a lesbian (trans man), but in American schools good luck learning anything about dental dams and women’s condoms. Never mind all of the possibilities beyond penile-vaginal intercourse. I go to a very queer friendly clinic, so fortunately they’re well versed in how to provide appropriate healthcare to all - but I wouldn’t call that the norm.
Another layer to this challenge in lesbian healthcare and the nonchalance about sexual health is the exclusion of transgender women (and intersex women, but I don’t know enough to speak on that and only want to touch on this lightly myself as a trans man). Whether people don’t consider them to be “true” lesbians or forget about them entirely is another layer in and of itself.
Women can also have penises and/or testes. They might be able to impregnate their partner. They may need to use “standard” condoms. Cis experiences are valued and irreplaceable, but in this day and age the political climate is saying anti-trans is the “necessary” thing to be, so it feels more important than ever to not forget these lesbians and how it might influence WLW culture.
I don’t mean this to undermine your experiences or the popular response healthcare workers may have toward lesbians so I really do hope it doesn’t come off that way! This feels like an important bridge to connect and if any trans women want to share their experiences, then they don’t have to break the ice.
Too right, Evan! It’s incredibly problematic for women’s health issues to be dismissed, no matter what they are. I hope we do start shedding more light on this topic because it needs more awareness for sure. Thanks for reading! :)
I have to be honest and say I never thought about any of this before when it comes to the sexual health of lesbians. This was a really interesting essay.
Ohh that’s lovely to hear, thank you so much, Leslye!
Two memories this evoked, Natalie:
• I encountered the term "pelvic exam" on the standard government form my doctor filled out when I was getting pre-screened for entering the Navy. The checkbox had "FEMALE ONLY" next to it. Okay, women have different pelvic bones than men do, probably need to be checked occasionally, understandable. (I was 18 and this was pre-Internet. Hush!) About a decade later, my buddy Linda, the first woman with whom I could talk about anything, complained about her annual gyno exam. Oh, says I, what's the problem? She gave me a look, and said the pelvic exam was awful and it went downhill from there. Really?, I say, but that's just feeling your bones, right? Linda then explained how many things are felt during a pelvic exam, but bones are not among them! (This is why I think elementary school sex ed should include much more practical information about women and what they go through. Just sayin'.)
• When I was hanging with my lesbian crew (my first wife, Linda — yes, same Linda — let me stay in her guest room for a few weeks until I found a job after leaving the Navy and our marriage; "a few weeks" ended up being nine months, so all my gang at that time were lesbian friends) someone decided it would be a great night to get drunk and watch lesbian porn. This was 1990, still pre-Internet, and X-rated cable TV options were awful. The various girl-on-girl scenes would run maybe 1–3 minutes before one of the women would declare, "A guy filmed this!" I would then get a running commentary on why this was NOT how real lesbians had sex. Alas, I did NOT take notes at the time.
Hahaha Jack, bless your little 18-year old heart! If only it were a quick ‘feeling of the bones’ 😩 it may as well be, except it feels like they’re feeling them from the inside! Oh it’s so unpleasant, my god. I know it’s life-saving in many cases, but yeesh, it’s not fun. And yes, you’re quite right about sex ed in schools being shoddy. I don’t think I learned about what goes on at the gynae until I went through it myself. And bear in mind that I went to all-girls schools until I was 16!
Hahaha I can just picture the scene! (of you guys critiquing, not the porn. Well, I’m pretty confident I can picture the porn too.) A lot of it is painfully cringe. I find it unbearable. What’s funny is that there are two kinds nowadays—the stuff made for men by men and the stuff made for women by women. They’re like 2 separate categories now.
Wait wait wait! They don't tell girls what they go through at their gynecological exam?! So some poor girl who never got taught, she knows as much about a pelvic exam as I did at her age, her first clue is when she has to strip down to her socks and put on some gawdawful paper smock? And then gets introduced to the stirrups? THATS... THERE ARE PLENTY OF FEMALE GYNECOLOGISTS OUT THERE, HOW ARE THEY LETTING THIS MISOGYNIST HORROR GO ON?! 🤬
Oh thank god there are articles on WebMD and Planned Parenthood and other sites out there to explain things now. (I had to check.) And YouTube videos, OF COURSE there are YouTube videos. By female gynecologists. Okay <deep breath> I'm okay now.
Oh, I’ve been there. My gyno hit me with “Oh, well [insert famous lesbian] is single” like I had personally requested a matchmaking service instead of a pap smear. Ma’am, be serious
Lmao! What is this life 😂
Did said gyno know this celebrity? Haha I wonder if she knows that doctors are putting in a good word for her while quite literally rummaging about in people’s “business” 😭😭
Highly doubt it. Said celebrity is the first person she thought of. Clearly an uncomfortable moment. Clearly uncomfortable with me
Oh, damn that’s just straight up bizarre then. I’m sorry that happened to you. Why your gyno thought that was the place or the time… lord 🤦♀️
I had to have an ovary removed a couple of years ago. They told me I needed to take a pregnancy test.
I said that’s not necessary. I’m a lesbian.
That didn’t matter. They still made me take it.
There are so many ways to interpret this! I’m assuming they wanted to cover their arses in case they ended up with some sort of lawsuit somehow? Even so… 😅
SOP for insurance. I had the whole thing removed 32 years ago for cancer and new GYN still made me do it.
I’m in a super conservative state raised my a super religious mother.
My mother believes a woman to lose her virginity if something is inserted. Meaning I wasn’t allowed tampons for summer camp…
My feminine gyno was just as bad as male gynos. Trying to discuss with her the possible STDs past between women to women when I had my first women partner. Totally freeze up and told me it wasn’t possible because no fluids touched.
Oh goodness, that sounds… rough (no disrespect to your mother, of course.)
It’s hard enough having to put up with the natural complexities of life without other people’s superstitions on top 😓
And yes, I totally sympathise! I’ve had truly horrid female gynaes. The guy I have now is much nicer.
I’m so sorry you’ve had a hard time with all this—and that misinformation is unforgivable! No fluids touched? Yikes.
Though it’s was all really rough, it’s unfolded in wisdom I can now share. Though I wish there were big neon signs that pointed to all the queer gynos & doctors. (Thank god for Everywhere is Queer making it easier to find the right people)
Married 23 years to my wife ( post 9/11 we got a civil union and later did the legal marriage thing in NY State where we live). Wife kicks me out. Statistically homeless for 41/2 months. One week after I finally find subsidized housing I am served with papers for a divorce ( apparently my new Electric bill gave them an address)..
Lawyer she got is tops in probono. However, even in NY the "fill in the blank" papers haven't been updated (after how many years?) still reflecting hetero marriage. When I consult my joke of a pro bono I find she is ableist, heterosexist, and not supportive of elders at all. End of THAT chapter as I find I do not have to respond,and terminated with that clown. There's nothing I have ..she can keep the only thing we have in common - our cemetery plots that I paid for.
With the notary watching me, I change every HE to a SHE in 30+ pages and attach a note stating if I signed this it would not be legal because I AM NOT MALE and besides $&6';_ you spelled my name wrong!
Have now received and accepted "fixed documents" and am awaiting decision.
BTW, one of her arguments is that we hadn't been intimate because of my mental health. She forgets how bad her menopause was. I don't
Crikey, you’ve been through it Andrea! What a fandango. The unprofessionalism is horrific—30 pages and a typo of your name?! What kind of Mickey Mouse operation 😟
I really hope things get better for you 🌷 thanks for sharing
"...my local GUM clinic now has me on record as a sexually fluid swinger with a penchant for narcotics and a sexual appetite to rival Julio Iglesias." Absolutely brilliant!! 🤣
Haha thank you! They mustn’t know what to make of me in this tiny village 😂 thanks for reading!
Ms Natalie, you need a new gyno if yours is that ignorant. This old dyke can aver that lesbian sex is real and Awesome 💜
Ufff Deb, dare I say he isn’t the most ignorant by a mile! Living in a Catholic country and being femme to the point of being totally straight-passing means I have to come out a loooottt in this lifetime 😅 still, it could absolutely be worse!
And you’re absolutely right—awesome it is ☺️ thanks for reading!
This opening dialogue is fantastic
Hahaha thanks, Brenden! 😂
Such a great essay, Natalie-and I love your sense of humor. I'm part of a documentary about queer people with mental health challenges, and when the director asked me if I've experienced discrimination with providers, this is exactly the conversation I talked about. The invisibility, given the amount of progress we supposedly made, is staggering. Many thanks for bringing this issue to the fore.
That’s so kind, Gail, thank you! The documentary sounds so interesting. Is it available to watch? If so, I’d love to support.
damn what trump state you live in holy shit that's sooo fucked up i'm so sorry queen
I actually don’t live in the U.S., this happened in Spain. But I appreciate it, thank you. I imagine it could be a lot worse in certain states over there 😓
omg fr lol
I never considered this. Thank you, I learned something today.
I’m glad, Pete! Thanks for reading :)
This is so real and it's so frustrating. I've also gotten the eye rolls when requesting STI screening, and I've been forced to get a pregnancy test even after explaining the only person I was having sex with had no penis. The only time I've gotten decent answers on sexual health risks was when I finally got to see a trans masc OBGYN. Also, I'm just here to serve as a cautionary tale: I am a trans guy who caught an STD from another trans guy by topping using a strap-on, no direct genital contact at all. (Thankfully it cleared up with a round of antibiotics.) Wash your hands and use gloves, y'all!!
Yes, we need to have more discussions about this because a lot of people don’t realise that you can catch STIs from toys! There’s so much misinformation flying about. Thanks so much for sharing, Ori, I’m sure people can really benefit from this cautionary tale 🌞
I really enjoyed reading this piece, you managed to strike the balance beautifully between humour and education and I feel enlightened on all fronts, thank you!
Thank you so much, Clodagh! What a wonderful compliment ☺️