Aw bless you, Jort! It always hits that little bit closer to home when it’s someone you love, doesn’t it? Don’t worry, judging by the kindness and acceptance of the people in this comment section, Baby Sis has plenty of people out there who’ll have her back 🌟 thanks for reading!
It's tough for us old ladies too. And yes it made me cry to. I remember all the people who supported me as I came out at 50. Now at 67 I still have fear of those who sought to do me ill as I announced my real self. I wish I could forget them. Thank you for another good memory.
I am constantly worried for my transgender granddaughter. There is so much useless hate in this world, now being stoked with the vitriol of those demons in Washington She is only 10 and I love her so much. I hope she will always find kind people like you in her life. Thank you💕
Aw Tamara, your comment has made me emotional (not hard because I’m a softy and I cry all the time haha!)
But I understand your worries—it’s only natural since she means so much to you. I don’t know if you’ve read any of the other comments here but if you haven’t, I really recommend you do. I think they’ll pep you up a little.
It’s wonderful to see how many supportive, protective, and kind people are out there, ready and willing to treat people like your lovely granddaughter with all the kindness and respect in their hearts 🌼 she’s gonna be fine, don’t you worry! We’ve got her.
We have much in common. I read your story to my daughter and cried while reading it to her. Your words touched my heart.
While I worry about my granddaughter and always will, she does have a wonderful loving, caring and supportive family that just want her to be happy and herself in this world.
I hope all of us get through this terrible time we are living through and humankind will finally be able to get beyond preconceived notions and learned prejudices and just accept and love each other and live peacefully. Thank you again and stay safe. 💕✌️
I wish they all were. You've got some nasty, hateful transphobics in here trying to prove inaccurate points too. They're spreading the same misinformation, disinformation, and liking each other's comments. SMFH 🙄 They drank the same Koo-Laid.
She has a loving understanding grandmother and that is a huge thing for a trans girl. If she is able to transition through adolescence, socialise and experience her formative years as herself then most of the barriers for her are already bridged and she will be much much safer. That is what the fascists are trying to take away - her ability to live freely and inconspicuously - so that we stand out, marked for easy prejudicial mistreatment. This is why her access to gender affirming healthcare while it can still spare her a lifetime of sadness is so so important. While that healthcare is protected she won’t (and you won’t) have anything to fear. But we must fight for it now. 💕
Thank you for your kind words Erin. My daughter and her husband have been in the process of finding a place for gender affirming Healthcare here in our state. There is quite a backlog right now due mainly to the chaos the Trump administration has caused. So they are on a waiting list. However, they are being persistent in their pursuit because they know that their daughter needs that support to enable her to go through her teenage years and beyond with confidence to be who she is and do whatever she chooses to in her life without fear of reprisal. Thank you for caring.💕✌️
Seeing kids get what a lot of us missed out on makes me very happy, if a little jealous. She's so fortunate to have you all. I just know she'll live an amazing life.
I was getting ready to be mad at you. Glad I read the entire thing. My daughter is trans and just wont use the bathroom and it breaks my heart. Thanks for being kind.
Absolutely! I’m trans/agender and my 15 y/o is also trans. With the world on fire and trans rights being challenged daily, it’s heartening to read something so well thought out from a cisgender person. 🤗
Aw that’s lovely, I’m so glad you have each other 🥰 Especially, as you said, in the midst of this global shitshow! We need all the support and solidarity we can get!
Extraordinary article! Thank you for welcoming that child. I have a theory about such spaces. Often surrounded by concrete block, they muffle or shut for a time the outward sounds, often music and voices to whom we are compelled to respond. These spaces also change the lighting from something meant to flatter us, to get our forms attention, to light where we just well, are. I’ve adjusted a prostitute’s wig and “held the door” for elderly nuns. In the ladies’ room it’s not just that we all get to be girls together, it’s more like we don’t have to be the girls the outward world wants us to be, we get to be just people. That child deserves to have that.
You are too kind, thank you so much! I’m really glad you enjoyed it ☺️
Elderly nuns and a prostitute’s wig? Now that’s my kind of carrying on! 🤣
I remember wondering, as I was writing this essay, if people were going to get what I was trying to convey about the ladies’ loo without coming across as a complete fruitcake! You seem to get it. It’s just that space, isn’t it? I’ve had some rocking times in the bathroom and I’m not ashamed to say so!
I love this so much. We are all just trying to survive in a world that is increasingly impossible to do so. I just told my husband, in 59 years I have never, not one single time, ever felt uncomfortable in a women’s public bathroom from another woman using the bathroom. It’s when you LEAVE the bathroom that the shields go back up and your eyes and brain do instantaneous calculations to determine safety, and all the energy assessments that guide that determination. It would be lovely if people could just go pee and mind their own business and stop all the hate✌️
And yes, you’re absolutely right. We’re lucky to have cultivated an environment like that for when we’re doing our business. I’ve never felt uncomfortable either, thankfully. I hope we can all band together so other women the world over can say the same 🌼
Never felt uncomfortable as a ‘grown up’, but in high school? Yikes…they were places to avoid at all costs. Even worse than the playground for those of us who were ‘different’.
Human beings really need to figure out how to rewire the brain to either broaden what it reads as the norm, or, preferably, just delete that whole subroutine. It’s no longer helpful. I hope we get there one day. We seem to be slowly evolving away from a lot of what was neurotypical. So 🤞
…I so wish gender identity just wasn’t a ‘thing’. Dress however is practical, experiment with different styles, express yourself in whatever way feels comfortable for you. A comment somewhere here on substack made the observation that those of us who grew up in the UK as teenagers in the 70’s and 80’s were so lucky. We got to experiment with our appearance in a multitude of ‘gender bending’ ways and none of our peers batted an eye. We could try things, discard what didn’t feel right and move on until we found what seemed to fit. AT THAT TIME. The constricting mindset that one size fits all for the whole of your life is, I think, unhealthy. But that could just be me…
I'm in the US, and what I see is that people (including teens) still do experiment with gender expression that way, it's still fine, and it simply isn't remarked on much anymore. But there is a difference between wanting to dress in a way that's gender non-conforming and having a body that doesn't fit you. That group was silent in previous decades and either never came out or did so much later in life, and now they have the words and the support to find themselves sooner. That's not restricting anyone else's behavior or making it "one size fits all." I'm gender non-conforming and I'm cis. My partner is trans. We both benefit from a more permitted space around gender roles and neither needs to be pitted against the other.
Thank you for this beautiful piece, I just read it as it showed up on my feed.🥰
I have a granddaughter who presents quite masculine, gorgeous high cheekbones, dark hair very short, eyes with a beautiful slant, small woman, she is quite handsome, and every time we enter a bathroom she gets venomous looks from women who actually have brought their sons into the bathroom. I am a mother bear with my children and a lioness with my grandchildren, NO ONE is permitted to be ugly to any woman who enters the bathroom while I am there…period. The child with whom you shared space was just that, a child. Do I get angry with women for bringing their sons into the bathroom, no, but I wonder why they do not feel comfortable sending their sons into the men’s bathroom? Are men not trustworthy? Because that’s what they are telling me with the presence of their sons and that is a conversation they must have with the men in their lives. Some of these women are so nosy about what is under my granddaughter’s clothing to see their hypocrisy.
You are more than welcome, Melissa, thank you for reading it!
As a femme lesbian who dates butches/mascs, I know exactly the looks you’re referring to. It’s wild, isn’t it? Bless you for your protective spirit 🌷
And I couldn’t agree more. These are realities that it seems people are far too reluctant to face. I guess burying one’s head in the sand is preferable. Colour me shocked! 😅
I’m sorry to hear about your experiences when you enter a bathroom with your granddaughter. I’m 62 and I’m, what my age group calls, an AG lesbian. I have never gotten a venomous look nor have I been questioned until last year. A woman made it a point to tell me I was going in the women’s bathroom. I looked at her and said, very sternly, “I think “I” know what bathroom to go to. I don’t need your help.”
It’s not easy being different in the United States but having family and friends who are always there…..smh… THAT means the world to a lot of us. I was always out, once I knew, because my family wasn’t homophobic. When I look back on it I realized that’s where I got my strength and confidence.
I felt the opposite. You make wonderful, important points about how important girls'/women's bathrooms are, then go on to explain how we should allow anyone who says they're a woman in to women's public bathrooms. No. Just no. Are you aware that in many women's areas (gyms, spas, in addition to bathrooms) staff are required to admit any person who claims to be a woman? Even if they obviously have a penis? What is safe about that? I despise Trump and his cronies with a white-hot passion because of his hatred of trans AND homosexual people. (I do not hate trans people, nor do I deny their existence.) Christian conservatives are using anti-trans rhetoric as a wedge to deny homosexual individuals their only recently-gained rights to be treated as human beings. If you don't understand that, you are willfully ignorant, and very dangerous.
And your reaction to part of our community being targeted and used to divide us is to lean into the division? Trans people have ALWAYS been part of the Queer community, along with bi/pan folk and all of us who these Christian conservatives really do not see as any different. Do you really want to restrict your alliance to "homosexuals" only? The only reason trans folk are under fire right now is that they are seen as low hanging fruit that can be removed first. Do not think that distancing yourself as a "good cisgender homosexual" will save you from being next in line. Your rights always were on the chopping block but they are so much easier to take once they've built up steam running over the more vulnerable members of the community.
You really need to re-read my reply carefully. You will see that for the most part we agree. But understand that I never referred to myself (as you do) as having any sexual orientation or identification at all. You've set up straw men to be able to knock them down.
If you don't want to read my entire comment, at least read this: "Christian conservatives are using anti-trans rhetoric as a wedge to deny homosexual individuals their only recently-gained rights to be treated as human beings. If you don't understand that, you are willfully ignorant, and very dangerous."
Ok, fair. It really doesn't matter what your orientation is, although it was a more charitable read to interpret you as being concerned about losing your own rights as opposed to trying to tell the queer community how we should feel about part of our community from outside.
The point still stands; if trans people did not exist and weren't in the cross hairs, the rest of us would be. Once they're finished with trans people, the rest of us are next. There is no amount of distancing or throwing them under the bus that will save the rest of us "homosexuals". So no, if you re read carefully I do not think we do agree on the most important issue here; yes, they are bring used as a wedge. No that does not mean we allow them to be targeted in a misguided attempt to save ourselves.
There's no greater commonplace everyday fear in a trans person's day than finding themselves in need of a public restroom. Most avoid them at all costs, even to the detriment of their body's health. It's farcicle to listen to anti-trans cis women stoke fear of our existence in these spaces when they've made it their utmost priority to strip us of our safety, equality, and humanity within them and everywhere else. None of those cis women will ever know the fear and anxiety of entering a public restroom as a trans woman, the vast majority of us keep our heads down, bee line it to a stall as quickly and as isolated as possible, and wash our hands swift and efficiently as possible like our lives depended on it to avoid drawing any extra attention through committing bathroom hygiene faux pas, then exit and distance ourselves from the entrance as fast and as unseen as we can.
We are so scared of you, we don't know who's going to clock us, who's going to harass us or assault us, and who's going to be made uncomfortable by our appearance, one of those lesser discussed fears I believe you witnessed with this very encounter involving this girl. Most people don't realize we fret so much about simply making other people uncomfortable. And when I walk into a bathroom, I always find myself constantly worrying, "is today going to be the day it happens to me?"
Trans people are statistically 4 times more likely to experience assaults than cis women, who we, at least those of us who are not ignorant and truly care about the safety and wellbeing of women, are all aware experience many more assaults and violence than a just and moral society ought to permit and fail to enact justice upon such cruelties so regularly.
Cis women need not fear trans people, especially in their focus against trans women, we are already more scared of them. But when we are made to feel safe and accepted in spaces we are told we don't belong by those who hate us, I can't begin to describe the relief and kindness we experience at the hands of women like you who help tear down the uncertainty of interaction and acceptance. The first time I had to use the bathroom in public was a month after coming out and was when I arranged a little impromptu reunion with some college friends while I was visiting our old stomping grounds, all of whom were seeing me out as me for the 1st time. After a few drinks, the inevitable occurred, I held out as kong as I could but I eventually had to pipe up to my girl friends about my intense need and anxiety. 3 of them immediately and enthusiastically volunteered to escort me as a protection duty to the ladies' room to help me feel safe and accepted. I got to pee, I was so relieved, physically and emotionally, I actually cried. That moment was so important to experience for me especially in the early days of my transition.
Thank you so very much for your kindness and empathy to that girl and for trans folk, and for using your voice to write this beautiful piece. Compassion, empathy, and a welcoming acceptance for building strong community are simple tasks and should be the standard of moral and ethical movements. Alas we are amidst a movement of the antithesis that needs rebuttals of compassion like yours.
Again, thank you so much, from another Natalie (I go by Attie for short)
Nice to meet you, Attie, I go by Nattie ☺️ I don’t know about you, but I rarely meet other Natalies (especially living in Spain, where it’s Natalia) so this is special for me!
Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to write your comment. I’m hoping people will read it and gain a greater understanding of everything you mentioned.
How lovely that you had your friends there to accompany you to the bathroom when you needed to go. I would’ve cried too—not unusual for me, mind. I’m really soft 🙈! I’m so glad you got to experience that. And I hope you’ve been comfy using it on your own ever since :)
I’m delighted you enjoyed this essay. You really don’t need to thank me, I’m more than happy to do or be whatever is necessary for people to feel safe and welcome. It’s the least we can do for our fellow humans isn’t it 🌼 All the best to you, have a great week!
I was at a big box store a week ago and the door to the women’s bathroom was propped open by the cleaning crew. It was so curious to me that no one seemed to care. Men were waiting outside the door for their wives, significant others, children, and no one batted an eye. Men were passing by on the way their bathroom and had a clear view of the interior of the whole bathroom. And yet women were going onto the stalls and doing their thing, children were sent in, all cultures, races, etc. No one batted an eye. And yet people complain that they wouldn’t feel “safe” with a trans woman in the bathroom? I know that the overwhelming transphobia presented in the media and online is just a ruse to distract from actual issues, but I don’t get how so many people can just pick up the pitchforks so quickly and be ready to stab when common sense should show you that a girl is safer in a bathroom with a trans woman than in a relative or best friend’s home, or a church youth group.
Absolutely, years ago FBI statistics reported ⅓ females of all ages would be assaulted in her lifetime, most often by a "trusted" man: father, brother uncle...
Well said, but I have to disagree with one part; “Coexisting peacefully really isn’t as complicated as it’s made out to be.”
That is how it is for us, but for those who have been indoctrinated, abused, and damaged both physically and psychologically, it is much more difficult. Hate boils up in them like a disease.
That’s why we, as a society, need to stop treating bigotry as if it’s just an opinion. It’s mental illness. We have to recognize that before we can take proper steps to mitigate it.
Chronic anger is a disability. I get to hang out with adults with more regognized "disabilities" as my retirement "job". It doesn't feel like a job. These wonderful folk are delightful. Attitudes and the anger it illicits are the real disabilities. You're right, they need our help to live in a civil society.
My pleasure, Sue, thank you so much for reading. You’re absolutely right — kindness is key, and I’m so pleased to see so much of it from so many people on here 🧡
As a cis-woman who presents as male unless I deliberately over-do the pink, I occasionally get the baleful looks. I have the confidence to cock an eyebrow skyward and dare them to say something. I also have offered to escort the marginalized like trans and Muslim to the loo if they look nervous. If all of us with “attitude” protect our unsafe and marginalized sisters, hopefully hate will wither and die in the light of our caring.
A woman after my own heart, Lena! I think I must also have that kind of attitude, because I totally get what you’re saying. I remember I was on my first trip to NYC last year, and a lovely lady from India asked me if I’d escort her through the subway because she wasn’t confident to get around by herself and I “look like I know what I’m doing” ☺️ I literally got lost every time I took the subway on that trip so her confidence in me was extremely flattering 😹 we exchanged Instagrams and have been friends ever since!
It’s so nice when we can be there for each other, isn’t it? You sound like a great person 💕
My littlest sister is trans and just turned 17 and this made me bawl. Thank you for not being a shitty person, it’s super tough for these kids.
Aw bless you, Jort! It always hits that little bit closer to home when it’s someone you love, doesn’t it? Don’t worry, judging by the kindness and acceptance of the people in this comment section, Baby Sis has plenty of people out there who’ll have her back 🌟 thanks for reading!
It's tough for us old ladies too. And yes it made me cry to. I remember all the people who supported me as I came out at 50. Now at 67 I still have fear of those who sought to do me ill as I announced my real self. I wish I could forget them. Thank you for another good memory.
HUGHUGHUG You are seen and supported.
55, non-trans she/her, queer af out loud since I came out early-90s.
Cringe
Why cringe?
It's especially tough when all the grownups lie to you.
As a trans woman myself, thank you. Just... Thank you.
You are more than welcome, Savannah 🧡 thank you so much for reading!
Tears of gratitude that that there are people like you in this world!
I am constantly worried for my transgender granddaughter. There is so much useless hate in this world, now being stoked with the vitriol of those demons in Washington She is only 10 and I love her so much. I hope she will always find kind people like you in her life. Thank you💕
Aw Tamara, your comment has made me emotional (not hard because I’m a softy and I cry all the time haha!)
But I understand your worries—it’s only natural since she means so much to you. I don’t know if you’ve read any of the other comments here but if you haven’t, I really recommend you do. I think they’ll pep you up a little.
It’s wonderful to see how many supportive, protective, and kind people are out there, ready and willing to treat people like your lovely granddaughter with all the kindness and respect in their hearts 🌼 she’s gonna be fine, don’t you worry! We’ve got her.
Thank you so much for reading :)
Thank you for your kind words, Natalie.
We have much in common. I read your story to my daughter and cried while reading it to her. Your words touched my heart.
While I worry about my granddaughter and always will, she does have a wonderful loving, caring and supportive family that just want her to be happy and herself in this world.
I hope all of us get through this terrible time we are living through and humankind will finally be able to get beyond preconceived notions and learned prejudices and just accept and love each other and live peacefully. Thank you again and stay safe. 💕✌️
I wish they all were. You've got some nasty, hateful transphobics in here trying to prove inaccurate points too. They're spreading the same misinformation, disinformation, and liking each other's comments. SMFH 🙄 They drank the same Koo-Laid.
She has a loving understanding grandmother and that is a huge thing for a trans girl. If she is able to transition through adolescence, socialise and experience her formative years as herself then most of the barriers for her are already bridged and she will be much much safer. That is what the fascists are trying to take away - her ability to live freely and inconspicuously - so that we stand out, marked for easy prejudicial mistreatment. This is why her access to gender affirming healthcare while it can still spare her a lifetime of sadness is so so important. While that healthcare is protected she won’t (and you won’t) have anything to fear. But we must fight for it now. 💕
Exactly, Erin, you’ve hit the nail on the head! Thank you so much for your insight :)
Thank you for your kind words Erin. My daughter and her husband have been in the process of finding a place for gender affirming Healthcare here in our state. There is quite a backlog right now due mainly to the chaos the Trump administration has caused. So they are on a waiting list. However, they are being persistent in their pursuit because they know that their daughter needs that support to enable her to go through her teenage years and beyond with confidence to be who she is and do whatever she chooses to in her life without fear of reprisal. Thank you for caring.💕✌️
Seeing kids get what a lot of us missed out on makes me very happy, if a little jealous. She's so fortunate to have you all. I just know she'll live an amazing life.
Thank you, Nicola. I wish all good things for you in your life. May all your best dreams come true 💕
I'm so happy she has loving, supportive family. So many don't and it hurts. I'll 'adopt' them all any chance I get.
Thank you Ana. If only there were more people who had hearts as kind and loving as yours.💕
So much ado about bathrooms and books. Indeed, just share the soap.
Couldn’t agree more, Diane!
I was getting ready to be mad at you. Glad I read the entire thing. My daughter is trans and just wont use the bathroom and it breaks my heart. Thanks for being kind.
Haha I’m glad you stuck around, Devony!
I’m sorry to hear your daughter’s not comfortable using the loo yet. Hopefully it won’t be for too long 🌷
Thanks for reading :)
Agree, the title got my hackles up but this was a beautiful read.
Thank you, Marcie! My apologies to your blood pressure 🤣
i love a good clickbait title w a wonderful story <3
As do I, Mak! A little creative flair to draw attention to an important topic? I’m sold! 🙈
yes!!! this is genuine not sarcasm btw, just in case it seemed sarcastic (autism… makes it hard to tell)
same! But I kept reading, thankful I did. 😉
Thank you for recognizing and writing about the struggles that trans people face, especially trans youth. 🙏🏼
She will probably hold on to this memory much longer than you realize. 🫂
It’s my pleasure, Dratticus.
We all need to band together and protect each other, don’t we ☺️ Thank you so much for reading.
Absolutely! I’m trans/agender and my 15 y/o is also trans. With the world on fire and trans rights being challenged daily, it’s heartening to read something so well thought out from a cisgender person. 🤗
Aw that’s lovely, I’m so glad you have each other 🥰 Especially, as you said, in the midst of this global shitshow! We need all the support and solidarity we can get!
Extraordinary article! Thank you for welcoming that child. I have a theory about such spaces. Often surrounded by concrete block, they muffle or shut for a time the outward sounds, often music and voices to whom we are compelled to respond. These spaces also change the lighting from something meant to flatter us, to get our forms attention, to light where we just well, are. I’ve adjusted a prostitute’s wig and “held the door” for elderly nuns. In the ladies’ room it’s not just that we all get to be girls together, it’s more like we don’t have to be the girls the outward world wants us to be, we get to be just people. That child deserves to have that.
You are too kind, thank you so much! I’m really glad you enjoyed it ☺️
Elderly nuns and a prostitute’s wig? Now that’s my kind of carrying on! 🤣
I remember wondering, as I was writing this essay, if people were going to get what I was trying to convey about the ladies’ loo without coming across as a complete fruitcake! You seem to get it. It’s just that space, isn’t it? I’ve had some rocking times in the bathroom and I’m not ashamed to say so!
obsessed with this perspective
I love this so much. We are all just trying to survive in a world that is increasingly impossible to do so. I just told my husband, in 59 years I have never, not one single time, ever felt uncomfortable in a women’s public bathroom from another woman using the bathroom. It’s when you LEAVE the bathroom that the shields go back up and your eyes and brain do instantaneous calculations to determine safety, and all the energy assessments that guide that determination. It would be lovely if people could just go pee and mind their own business and stop all the hate✌️
I’m delighted to hear that, thank you so much!
And yes, you’re absolutely right. We’re lucky to have cultivated an environment like that for when we’re doing our business. I’ve never felt uncomfortable either, thankfully. I hope we can all band together so other women the world over can say the same 🌼
Never felt uncomfortable as a ‘grown up’, but in high school? Yikes…they were places to avoid at all costs. Even worse than the playground for those of us who were ‘different’.
Human beings really need to figure out how to rewire the brain to either broaden what it reads as the norm, or, preferably, just delete that whole subroutine. It’s no longer helpful. I hope we get there one day. We seem to be slowly evolving away from a lot of what was neurotypical. So 🤞
…I so wish gender identity just wasn’t a ‘thing’. Dress however is practical, experiment with different styles, express yourself in whatever way feels comfortable for you. A comment somewhere here on substack made the observation that those of us who grew up in the UK as teenagers in the 70’s and 80’s were so lucky. We got to experiment with our appearance in a multitude of ‘gender bending’ ways and none of our peers batted an eye. We could try things, discard what didn’t feel right and move on until we found what seemed to fit. AT THAT TIME. The constricting mindset that one size fits all for the whole of your life is, I think, unhealthy. But that could just be me…
I'm in the US, and what I see is that people (including teens) still do experiment with gender expression that way, it's still fine, and it simply isn't remarked on much anymore. But there is a difference between wanting to dress in a way that's gender non-conforming and having a body that doesn't fit you. That group was silent in previous decades and either never came out or did so much later in life, and now they have the words and the support to find themselves sooner. That's not restricting anyone else's behavior or making it "one size fits all." I'm gender non-conforming and I'm cis. My partner is trans. We both benefit from a more permitted space around gender roles and neither needs to be pitted against the other.
This! Although what Parker said is in good faith, it is not correct and is used against trans folk (like myself).
Gender presentation,
Inner experienced gender,
and Boby physical gender are all 3 very different things that can come in lots of different combinations.
Trans folk don't "just want to wear a dress/suit".
Thank you for this beautiful piece, I just read it as it showed up on my feed.🥰
I have a granddaughter who presents quite masculine, gorgeous high cheekbones, dark hair very short, eyes with a beautiful slant, small woman, she is quite handsome, and every time we enter a bathroom she gets venomous looks from women who actually have brought their sons into the bathroom. I am a mother bear with my children and a lioness with my grandchildren, NO ONE is permitted to be ugly to any woman who enters the bathroom while I am there…period. The child with whom you shared space was just that, a child. Do I get angry with women for bringing their sons into the bathroom, no, but I wonder why they do not feel comfortable sending their sons into the men’s bathroom? Are men not trustworthy? Because that’s what they are telling me with the presence of their sons and that is a conversation they must have with the men in their lives. Some of these women are so nosy about what is under my granddaughter’s clothing to see their hypocrisy.
You are more than welcome, Melissa, thank you for reading it!
As a femme lesbian who dates butches/mascs, I know exactly the looks you’re referring to. It’s wild, isn’t it? Bless you for your protective spirit 🌷
And I couldn’t agree more. These are realities that it seems people are far too reluctant to face. I guess burying one’s head in the sand is preferable. Colour me shocked! 😅
I’m sorry to hear about your experiences when you enter a bathroom with your granddaughter. I’m 62 and I’m, what my age group calls, an AG lesbian. I have never gotten a venomous look nor have I been questioned until last year. A woman made it a point to tell me I was going in the women’s bathroom. I looked at her and said, very sternly, “I think “I” know what bathroom to go to. I don’t need your help.”
It’s not easy being different in the United States but having family and friends who are always there…..smh… THAT means the world to a lot of us. I was always out, once I knew, because my family wasn’t homophobic. When I look back on it I realized that’s where I got my strength and confidence.
Wishing you and your granddaughter peace.
I was so scared when I misread the headline and then so happy when I read your post! I agree 100%!
Took you on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster didn’t I, Shareen 😅 I’m glad you stuck around until the end. Thank you so much for reading!
I felt the opposite. You make wonderful, important points about how important girls'/women's bathrooms are, then go on to explain how we should allow anyone who says they're a woman in to women's public bathrooms. No. Just no. Are you aware that in many women's areas (gyms, spas, in addition to bathrooms) staff are required to admit any person who claims to be a woman? Even if they obviously have a penis? What is safe about that? I despise Trump and his cronies with a white-hot passion because of his hatred of trans AND homosexual people. (I do not hate trans people, nor do I deny their existence.) Christian conservatives are using anti-trans rhetoric as a wedge to deny homosexual individuals their only recently-gained rights to be treated as human beings. If you don't understand that, you are willfully ignorant, and very dangerous.
And your reaction to part of our community being targeted and used to divide us is to lean into the division? Trans people have ALWAYS been part of the Queer community, along with bi/pan folk and all of us who these Christian conservatives really do not see as any different. Do you really want to restrict your alliance to "homosexuals" only? The only reason trans folk are under fire right now is that they are seen as low hanging fruit that can be removed first. Do not think that distancing yourself as a "good cisgender homosexual" will save you from being next in line. Your rights always were on the chopping block but they are so much easier to take once they've built up steam running over the more vulnerable members of the community.
You really need to re-read my reply carefully. You will see that for the most part we agree. But understand that I never referred to myself (as you do) as having any sexual orientation or identification at all. You've set up straw men to be able to knock them down.
If you don't want to read my entire comment, at least read this: "Christian conservatives are using anti-trans rhetoric as a wedge to deny homosexual individuals their only recently-gained rights to be treated as human beings. If you don't understand that, you are willfully ignorant, and very dangerous."
Ok, fair. It really doesn't matter what your orientation is, although it was a more charitable read to interpret you as being concerned about losing your own rights as opposed to trying to tell the queer community how we should feel about part of our community from outside.
The point still stands; if trans people did not exist and weren't in the cross hairs, the rest of us would be. Once they're finished with trans people, the rest of us are next. There is no amount of distancing or throwing them under the bus that will save the rest of us "homosexuals". So no, if you re read carefully I do not think we do agree on the most important issue here; yes, they are bring used as a wedge. No that does not mean we allow them to be targeted in a misguided attempt to save ourselves.
Thank you so much for posting! So glad to have found you!
There's no greater commonplace everyday fear in a trans person's day than finding themselves in need of a public restroom. Most avoid them at all costs, even to the detriment of their body's health. It's farcicle to listen to anti-trans cis women stoke fear of our existence in these spaces when they've made it their utmost priority to strip us of our safety, equality, and humanity within them and everywhere else. None of those cis women will ever know the fear and anxiety of entering a public restroom as a trans woman, the vast majority of us keep our heads down, bee line it to a stall as quickly and as isolated as possible, and wash our hands swift and efficiently as possible like our lives depended on it to avoid drawing any extra attention through committing bathroom hygiene faux pas, then exit and distance ourselves from the entrance as fast and as unseen as we can.
We are so scared of you, we don't know who's going to clock us, who's going to harass us or assault us, and who's going to be made uncomfortable by our appearance, one of those lesser discussed fears I believe you witnessed with this very encounter involving this girl. Most people don't realize we fret so much about simply making other people uncomfortable. And when I walk into a bathroom, I always find myself constantly worrying, "is today going to be the day it happens to me?"
Trans people are statistically 4 times more likely to experience assaults than cis women, who we, at least those of us who are not ignorant and truly care about the safety and wellbeing of women, are all aware experience many more assaults and violence than a just and moral society ought to permit and fail to enact justice upon such cruelties so regularly.
Cis women need not fear trans people, especially in their focus against trans women, we are already more scared of them. But when we are made to feel safe and accepted in spaces we are told we don't belong by those who hate us, I can't begin to describe the relief and kindness we experience at the hands of women like you who help tear down the uncertainty of interaction and acceptance. The first time I had to use the bathroom in public was a month after coming out and was when I arranged a little impromptu reunion with some college friends while I was visiting our old stomping grounds, all of whom were seeing me out as me for the 1st time. After a few drinks, the inevitable occurred, I held out as kong as I could but I eventually had to pipe up to my girl friends about my intense need and anxiety. 3 of them immediately and enthusiastically volunteered to escort me as a protection duty to the ladies' room to help me feel safe and accepted. I got to pee, I was so relieved, physically and emotionally, I actually cried. That moment was so important to experience for me especially in the early days of my transition.
Thank you so very much for your kindness and empathy to that girl and for trans folk, and for using your voice to write this beautiful piece. Compassion, empathy, and a welcoming acceptance for building strong community are simple tasks and should be the standard of moral and ethical movements. Alas we are amidst a movement of the antithesis that needs rebuttals of compassion like yours.
Again, thank you so much, from another Natalie (I go by Attie for short)
Nice to meet you, Attie, I go by Nattie ☺️ I don’t know about you, but I rarely meet other Natalies (especially living in Spain, where it’s Natalia) so this is special for me!
Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to write your comment. I’m hoping people will read it and gain a greater understanding of everything you mentioned.
How lovely that you had your friends there to accompany you to the bathroom when you needed to go. I would’ve cried too—not unusual for me, mind. I’m really soft 🙈! I’m so glad you got to experience that. And I hope you’ve been comfy using it on your own ever since :)
I’m delighted you enjoyed this essay. You really don’t need to thank me, I’m more than happy to do or be whatever is necessary for people to feel safe and welcome. It’s the least we can do for our fellow humans isn’t it 🌼 All the best to you, have a great week!
I was at a big box store a week ago and the door to the women’s bathroom was propped open by the cleaning crew. It was so curious to me that no one seemed to care. Men were waiting outside the door for their wives, significant others, children, and no one batted an eye. Men were passing by on the way their bathroom and had a clear view of the interior of the whole bathroom. And yet women were going onto the stalls and doing their thing, children were sent in, all cultures, races, etc. No one batted an eye. And yet people complain that they wouldn’t feel “safe” with a trans woman in the bathroom? I know that the overwhelming transphobia presented in the media and online is just a ruse to distract from actual issues, but I don’t get how so many people can just pick up the pitchforks so quickly and be ready to stab when common sense should show you that a girl is safer in a bathroom with a trans woman than in a relative or best friend’s home, or a church youth group.
Not a truer word spoken, Lisa. I think some people are highly strung and blindly reactive.
Absolutely, years ago FBI statistics reported ⅓ females of all ages would be assaulted in her lifetime, most often by a "trusted" man: father, brother uncle...
Well said, but I have to disagree with one part; “Coexisting peacefully really isn’t as complicated as it’s made out to be.”
That is how it is for us, but for those who have been indoctrinated, abused, and damaged both physically and psychologically, it is much more difficult. Hate boils up in them like a disease.
That’s why we, as a society, need to stop treating bigotry as if it’s just an opinion. It’s mental illness. We have to recognize that before we can take proper steps to mitigate it.
That's a really good point - it takes a lot of active work to undo a hierarchical mindset. A bit like deprogramming cult members, maybe?
Chronic anger is a disability. I get to hang out with adults with more regognized "disabilities" as my retirement "job". It doesn't feel like a job. These wonderful folk are delightful. Attitudes and the anger it illicits are the real disabilities. You're right, they need our help to live in a civil society.
Thank you for sharing… kindness matters ♥️
My pleasure, Sue, thank you so much for reading. You’re absolutely right — kindness is key, and I’m so pleased to see so much of it from so many people on here 🧡
“I suppose that these are the situations we need more of. Just witnessing humans being humans and doing human things.“
As a cis-woman who presents as male unless I deliberately over-do the pink, I occasionally get the baleful looks. I have the confidence to cock an eyebrow skyward and dare them to say something. I also have offered to escort the marginalized like trans and Muslim to the loo if they look nervous. If all of us with “attitude” protect our unsafe and marginalized sisters, hopefully hate will wither and die in the light of our caring.
A woman after my own heart, Lena! I think I must also have that kind of attitude, because I totally get what you’re saying. I remember I was on my first trip to NYC last year, and a lovely lady from India asked me if I’d escort her through the subway because she wasn’t confident to get around by herself and I “look like I know what I’m doing” ☺️ I literally got lost every time I took the subway on that trip so her confidence in me was extremely flattering 😹 we exchanged Instagrams and have been friends ever since!
It’s so nice when we can be there for each other, isn’t it? You sound like a great person 💕
Thanks. I try, and I use what I have. I'm a big woman with martial training. Now that I'm old, I walk with a cane. A steel cane. 😈